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How can I help my young child with regulation - big feelings, unadorable behaviours, and an extra busy body?
'Until children feel truly safe and calm in their brains and bodies, stress neurochemicals will be surging through them, and keeping their thinking brains offline." - Karen Young, psychologist and author of Hey Sigmund
Families come to me for support with their child's regulation. I offer a 5 session Regulation Pathway. Before I share some practical and successful regulation interventions below, please read through the following. More content like this is covered when working with me.
A child's nervous system must be given intentional opportunities to become flexible by frequently registering biological safety. This naturally improves their capacity for self-regulation over time. Neuroscience tells us that nervous system flexibility happens when the Vagus nerves can easily and fully switch on the body's inbuilt calming response (the parasympathetic nervous system ventral vagal state). Self-regulation comes more easily and naturally to children who have good vagal tone.
Instead of focusing on 'fixing' the dysregulated behaviours, we focus on interventions which improve vagal tone, and strengthen healthy neural networks from brain stem (Am I safe?), to the limbic system (Am I loved - do I belong?) into the prefrontal cortex (I can think and learn).
Children (and adults) can get stuck in different nervous system states. The freeze response to stress (dorsal vagal state) looks like hiding away with shut down, and a slumped, slow or still body, and feelings of helplessness, sadness, tiredness, or loneliness.
The fight-or-flight response to stress or perceived danger (even if scary-safe not scary-dangerous), is a sympathetic nervous system state, and elicits feelings of anxiety, anger, irritation, or frustration, and the child might run away, kick, yell, lash out or throw things.
Children with more flexible nervous systems can move more easily out of their survival or emotional brain spaces (freeze or fight-or-flight) into their calm, alert thinking brain space where successful communication, connection, creativity and learning occur. This flexibility makes for increased resilience, and a better response to stress, and change.
Children learn to self-regulate through lots and lots of experience of co-regulating with adults by meaningfully connecting and 'borrowing' the calm from the adult's nervous system. Our nervous systems 'talk' to each other all day long. This is known as neuroception (our 'gut' feel or intuition), and answers the ongoing background question of 'Is this person safe enough to connect to?'
Loving, meaningful connection during social interaction and physical touch helps to release oxytocin (bonding hormone), and helps to decrease cortisol (stress hormone).
Practical Interventions to Improve Regulation for Young Children
Use these with your child when they are regulated to 'deposit' calm into their nervous system at regular intervals during their day on an ongoing basis. For the most successful regulation intervention that I recommend - Rhythmic Movements - see a sample video and 10 key points
Rocking in Arms & Baby Bonding Game - signals of safety are soft eyes, tilted relaxed neck, smiling face, and warm tone; rock your child in your arms while having eye contact (if possible); sing, hum, make silly faces; pretend they are a small baby again and talk about how special it was having them, and looking after them as a baby - let them act like an infant if they want to in your arms
Swinging - this is very regulating so try to set up a swing inside or outside; you can also use a hammock or pod swing made from stretchy fabric like spandex - cocoon-like swings that provide deep, calming pressure (proprioception) and gentle linear, rotational, or vertical movement; a trapeze bar swing can allow for inversion with the head upside down - regulating for some
Rough Housing or Rough & Tumble - is so important for all aspect of self-regulation; it does not have to be super boisterous, and each adult will be successful playing physically by following what feels comfortable for your body, and your child's; you can start by kneeling on the floor, stretch out your arm with palm open, and invite your child to push into your hand; say 'let's play on the floor together'; try to end with rocking as this is calming
Back, Feet & Palm Strokes - after a bath before sleep, your child may be able to accept and relax with firm stroking up and down the sides of their spine, on the soles of their feet and on their palms; or go with a different form of touch like tapping or a type of gentle tickle action; the brain and the skin developed in the womb from the same cells - touch can be calming
Cat's Whiskers or Sleepy Lion - firmer touch on the face is calming for many; in the video I show how I pretend to paint cat's whiskers on a four year old; I stroke firmly up over his ears to 'stick the whiskers on' (stimulates Vagus nerves); this is a quick game to do before bed or before starting the day; you don't always need the toys as props; doing this in sitting is fine too
